Historiarum
1. Long ago, Earth was barren and volcanic—the Hadean. In that great age, the Noodlefolk briefly arrived and left cryptic messages on anti-prisms of solid stone, that sum up to “Ha lol, look at this planet we found! Thanks Noodlecat for the giggles and good times!”, except in strange alien tongues. They were from a time of Noodlecat’s REM sleep, and were, as such, pious about Noodlecat. Later, in the latter edge of the Hadean, after the creation of the moon, more permanent settlers arrived. Eight-foot-tall, purplish, barrel-shaped things with the strangest of chemistries. They looked like great echinoderms. We call them Elder Things, and further description of them may be found in the works of the unaware, accidental prophet, Lovecraft. The Elder Things used their wings as sun-sails to arrive at Earth, billions-strong. They had a chemical mixture they brewed to allow them to not suffocate on their journey, however when they landed, after a few generations, they forgot how to synthesize it, effectively stranding them on a relatively unimportant planet, and the individual responsible for losing that was justly executed. Despite this, they built great cities of stone, rival man in terms of size. The Elder Things needed slaves, or machines to do work and feed them. So, they experimented with local hydrocarbon structures, and clay crystals. Early experiments created archaebacteria and viruses and stuff. Later experiments created more complex early life. This stuff escaped evolved over time into most Earth-life as we know it, eventually. While the Elder Things did use early life for their computers and mines and farms, they eventually made the slave race of Shoggoths, formless, dark-grey blobs the size of a bus, and fazed out small scale bacteria. During this time, the wings on the Elder Things shrank from disuse, as they were no longer evolutionarily beneficial, and, today, the few still in cryostasis have only vestigial wings. Eventually, snowball Earth happened. The Elder Things’ photosynthesizing bacteria got out, and cooled Earth way down. The drastic climate change messed with the farms and infrastructure of the Elder Things. This, combined with Shoggoth slave-revolts and the pre-existing state of decay from being cut off from the outside universe, lead to the very very slow collapse of the Elder Thing civilization. Eventually, in the Triassic, the city-building civilization had been reduced to a few settlements more comparable to something from small town America, leaving only ruins behind. During the end of the Cambrian, Taceldoon was entering a deeper sleep, gaining more strength in His dreams. This affected the roots of the galactic politics and intergalactic politics, as He reshaped various cosmic entities. At the end of the Devonian, this wave reached Earth and the solar system, as a group of whipper-snapper cosmic entities, we humans call the Old gods, descended upon the Earth from very far-off places. They were lead by a female squid-like, draconic entity known as High Priest Cthulhu. They knew the solar system had no local gods yet, so they came to take advantage of that and party. They killed helpless animals and whole species and reveled. They ruled until the Cretaceous, when they carved out bubbles in space time with geometries we can’t understand. They were trying to make the coolest cribs. They went to sleep in their swag abodes scattered around the Earth for a nap, and one day, they shall return, and reclaim what was theirs, and throw huge venatios, where they shall slay all humans remaining, most birds, crap-tons of other animals, and the weak gods of Earth. There is NOTHING we can do about it. 2. The insides of the houses of the Old gods, where they currently rest, are interesting. Each is both on Earth and off Earth. Not as in multiple access points, or that in strange dimensions it folds on itself, or that different projections of it are in different places through some equivalent of quantum entanglement, as is normally what is meant with multilocation, but instead the cursed buildings are in multiple locations at once in the most primal sense of that, which has been allowed thanks to Taceldoon being a knob. In the southern Pacific, far from any land, between the points 47°9'S 126°43’W, 49°51'S 128°34’W and 48°52.6'S 123°23.6’W, there wanders the sunken city of R’lyeh, where Cthulhu lies dreaming. One can also find it in the Oort cloud, off in the general direction opposite Pluto. On Earth, it shall rise when a certain syzygy occurs between certain objects. Then, the sunlight shall awake Cthulhu. Except, the sunlight won’t awake her; her seven foot star-spawn shall. But they won’t, except they will. Either way, one can identify R’lyeh by its horrifying tetrahedra, which have all their angles of its base as obtuse, and their tope vertices are unimaginably sharp. The whole base is covered in strange, cyclopean tile, except unlike normal cyclopean geometries, the angles don’t add up. The tile is both grouted and ungrouted.In the Arctic, near the magnetic north pole, and also hidden in a crevice in a particularly large comet with an eccentricity in its orbit that shouldn’t exist, lies the lopsided base of the hungry Tsathoggua. His base is full of indescribable curves. It is larger on the inside than the outside, and if one goes in one direction far enough in the base, they will encounter themselves. The walls are mostly white with a hint of a color that doesn’t exist. Adorned on the white-ish walls are various corpses, gathered in groups of 7 + 5i. When Cthulhu awakes, she will come to awake the multi-mouthed Tsathoggua.Also an Old god, the three-lobed, burning eye hides in a cave that both twists onto itself and folds away from time, which can be found both deep bellow india and in distant dimensions. Dagon, close friend of Cthulhu, can be found in the Ocean. F’jaxthy, Ululghf and others are also in this forgotten pantheon. One day, they will awake, and bring about extinction in a great venatio. 3. REDACTED 4. There is a pot that manages to have no distinction between inside and outside, without being a Kleinbottle. It’s over that way. It hasn’t been made. Nor will it, but it exists. It just congealed from essence of Noodlecat, and here we are. Except it’s already gone. It is made of the leather of a beast that never was. Anyway, the legendary earl of pudding is better at describing it. In fact, all supremes of Earth, past, present, future, and even Hawking’s Euclidean imaginary time, whether a cat, human, or dolphin, know innately what exactly is written on that leather pot, and how to understand it. Noodlecat gave them this great gift. This is what separates them from us. But they will never tell it exactly, for they can’t translate it; it is a bunch of untranslatable puns and examples of word play that causes the Supremes to snicker and giggle at random intervals. However, after conversing with the earl of pudding, it can be deduced that it includes at least fourteen quadruple entendres! Howard Phillips Lovecraft knew them, and so did this pudding earl, and so did that one dolphin in florida who paints, and so did Herr Day, and so did the Knight of seven, however the pudding-earl tells me that the man known as the Knight of seven didn’t quite pick up the nuances of the inconceivable meaning of the seventh, fifth, and first lines (for the curious, the way to fully understand them, you must understand they’re an untranslatable allusion to a not-yet-popular vintage guide published in a long forgotten land outside of time). Noodlecat is generous. and gave this gift to them. 5. After the Old gods threw a meteor at the Earth, killing the non-avian dinosaurs, then got bored and went to take a nap, Earth received more interaction. The Mi-go, a shrimp-looking race of fungus, with pink ellipsoidal puffball sporangia where a head should go, and huge, membranous, thick wings, had always had outposts in the Oort cloud, but the genderless rubbery things found out after the Old gods went to sleep that Earth has various valuable minerals. Similarly, the great race of Yith, who long ago cracked the enigma of time, and due to their anatomy can easily use advance machines to swap bodies with other entities, saw (or, due to the nature of the Yithians, it might be that they will see) that their whole civilization on the exoplanet Yith will go to crap, and as such, just used their body-swap abilities in conjunction with their time-travel to evacuate the entire population into the bodies of a strange, mollusk species on ancient Earth, leaving the original inhabitants of those Earthlings terribly confused, being stuck in the future on a distant, unknown planet, as everything collapses. (It is worth noting, this might not have been the first time the Yithians did something like this, and certainly wasn’t the last, as the Yithians’ civilization in those bodies collapsed a few thousand years ago, and they did the same trick again, this time with the very distant future). Noodlecat, being in deeper, more lucid dreaming, had one of His avatars tell one of its servants to tell one of its pudding earls in charge of the outskirts of the Virgo supercluster to tell the local group of galaxies (The Milky Way, Andromeda, Triangulum, and a whole host of dwarf galaxies) to do stuff. Sort of. Anyways, the gods in charge of the Local Group, who are located in the super massive blackhole in the center of the Andromeda galaxy, discussed stuff and did lot of shit. One thing that they did was send temporary, weak gods out to various systems so those systems can be represented when other gods or large races like the Mi-Go, or the Yithians need something from that particular system. In this decision, they made billions of pantheons, one of which is the one currently overseeing Earth. The weak gods of Earth regularly worship Noodlecat, and follow through on a lot of ideas on how to not suck. Knowing Zionism would suck, they preemptively punished the Jews with the expulsions and all that crap with most of the ten tribes dying. Taceldoon willed there to be Israel, so there is anyway. On a more positive note, before humans, the weak gods prevented the Mi-Go from taking all our aluminum and uranium, and intervened in incidents with flying polyps. In their honor, here are five described. There are two sun gods in this lower pantheon, both anthropomorphized tomcats, though one looks and acts very feminine, wearing trap clothing. The one who is older has huge abs and wears a fire-proof thong. Their names are—to humans at least—Apollo and Helios. Apollo is very bisexual, and Helios is older and gayer. Their couple-ness is why any and all marriages between two human men sanctioned by Noodlecat religion are to have solar symbols and solar themes, and it mustn’t take place in winter. Apollo and Helios take turns watching the core and the corona, every seventh time kissing each-other. They are also both very very attractive. Our moon is the largest compared to its planet, as such, the goddesses of the moons base there. There are two moon goddesses, Artemis and Selene, both queers with heterochromatic eyes. Artemis has short white hair and wears a theme-colored sports bra and quiver, and nothing else. She loves hunting, strategy board games, and archery, and is purely lesbian, aside from “male and female tongues are the same” reasoning. Often Artemis will be very blunt to visitors. Selene wears her hair in the way of the Minoans, and wears a black lace dress with a crescent keyhole, lots of eyeliner, cyan moon-themed lipstick, and black-stained leather boots, which were made by her girl friend after Artemis killed some cow-ey type things. Selene is effeminate and rolls her eyes at the nonsense regularly done by Artemis. She also swings both ways, unlike Artemis. Together they spend most of their time in the deepest volcanic lunar tunnel, looking at an ancient brass gear-computer, making sure that the orbits of all the moons are okay. Their relationship, having lasted millions of years, is to be looked at and admired in any lesbian relationship; it is required that any lesbian marriage between human members of Noodlecat religion be lunar themed, and that it not take place when there is a new moon, or the moon is waning, for Artemis and Selene must be in direct view. Lastly, there is the xanthous lord, Hastur. Do not say Hastur if you think the xanthous lord would be angry at you, as Hastur has a habit of showing up then. Hastur is the god of sheep and shepherds, but that is a new role, as his main role is as ambassador and high priest to Noodlecat. If anyone from outside the solar system needs to talk to this system diplomatically, they see Hastur. It’s unknown whether Hastur is male or female or neither, but due to gender norms, humans are most comfortable with calling the solar ambassador a he. He wears yellow hood, and yellow cloak that conceals his feet. His symbol is the yellow sign, a warped yellow triskelion. Wearing the yellow sign wards off Mi-go, and less well-meaning beings, as they fear they’d have to interact with the stern ambassador, however it also attracts brief glances from Hastur. If you lewd the loli, whilst wearing the triskelion, he might remember, and Noodlecat help you should you ever loudly say his name—Hastur. 6. Hidden in the cosmic microwave radiation, the splotches encode a game of 3D Go! Noodlecat and Taceldoon play it. Every sqrt -1 interval in time, each of them do a turn. This has been going on for the past 3,000,000,000i eons. We hope heat is (is that the correct tense?) winning over cold. It goes on forever, it appears, looking into the +i direction on the imaginary axis. Each turn is played mathematically perfectly. No deviation from game theory. Perfect gameplay between Noodlecat and Taceldoon. Infinitely too good. 7. The races that came to Earth after the start of the Old gods’ nap are unusual. Their cultures and histories are unique. Their biologies sometimes also. Firstly, the Mi-go. They appear stoic in interactions with humans, as their nervous system is so differently wired, they lack certain key emotions, most notably hate and love. Being a fungus, their body has no true organs, instead consisting of long hyphae, each a different sex and different genetically, so they can all breed together to maximize growth and reproduction. However, that is normal for fungus. Unlike Earth fungus, the colony of hyphae can enter an endospore-like state on their journeys between the stars. Also unusual, they have sacks and pores of their rubbery body to store food, and they aren’t carbon-based. The Mi-go have built vast multiversal trading empires by sucking up to Yog-sothoth, the guardian of the gateway between worlds, who was chosen in a compromise between Noodlecat and Taceldoon. By worshipping Yog-sothoth, they can open up gateways from one city, planet, star system, galaxy, dimension, universe to the next, just with a little bit of advanced ritual magic and sacrifice. This allows them to build vast trading networks no one else could, acting as a servitor race for Yog-sothoth. Less capitalist are the race of Yith. They came from Yith and had different bodies, but now they are in the bodies of a group of conical yellow-purple mollusks with three eyes. They can swap minds with differing people from different times. They used this to avoid there fate twice thus far; once when they left Yith, and during the war with the flying polyps, they evacuated to a race a beetle-like things that take the place of man after the death of the Old gods, in the last age of Earth. More often, they use the mind-swap ability to collect information. The Yithian informant will go in as a person with access to a lot of knowledge, like a professor, and consume as much information as possible on that time period/society/species/whatever they wish to know, while the victim, finding themselves in the informant’s body, are interrogated and required to write all that they know down with break in between. Then, they wipe the memory clean of the victim of the even with laser-guided precision and accuracy, and swap them back with the informant. However, this often still messes with the victim’s psychology. Yithian society is socialist, but their most important value is individual intelligence. They are huge nerds, with the biggest libraries ever built, and a typical Yithian is expected to do well academically. However, being socialist, they were still kind to slower members of their society (slow by their standards; not knowing advanced calculus by the first year of life), giving them special classes to catch them up so they don’t weigh everyone down. Their ruins of their previous civilization can be found deep beneath the sands of the Australian outback. The public library, of course, the center, and most impressive part of that ancient town.Perhaps, we can learn from them. Category:Noodlebooks